Loving Yourself And Loving Others: What Comes First?

I have heard many people say that unless you love yourself you cannot love another. This is completely wrong. In fact it works in the opposite direction. You love another for the traits that you find lovable, whether or not you have the same traits yourself. Then you can see which traits are lovable; then you know what you need to work on within yourself; then you love yourself.

When I was 19 I had a short but very passionate relationship with a woman named Michelle. I was very much in love with her. She was kind, warm, brilliant and compassionate. I was no such thing at that time in my life. But from knowing her I have seen what such traits look like. So I have been working to develop the same traits, and the more I do so the more I love myself.

Ayn Rand said that “before you can say I love you you must first say the I.” No, that is wrong. Once again, you love the next person for the traits that you find lovable, even if you do not have the same traits yourself. And, once again, seeing these traits expressed successfully in another person, you know what traits you need to develop yourself in order to be lovable in your own eyes.

I do not understand why this argument has not been made at a visible level. I have seen many people fall for this nonsense, and not all of these people are dumb. If nobody else is going to make this argument, then I will.

No, you do not start by loving yourself. You start by seeing the traits that you find lovable expressed in another. And then you need to make whatever changes you need to make in yourself in order to be lovable in your own eyes.