Do You Really Dislike Others For Your Own Traits?

I have a good friend name Jeannie. She is a wonderful woman with a huge heart. Her father married a woman who was selfish and exploitative, and she did not like that woman. Then she attempted to make amends with her, and as she did she told me something to the effect of that people don't like other people for the traits that they reject in themselves.

No, this is wrong. This is completely wrong. People like others for traits that they like, whether or not they have the same traits, and they dislike others for traits that they dislike, whether or not they have the same traits. Sure, Hitler and Stalin, who were enemies, had many things in common with one another. But most American soldiers who hated Hitler did not have many qualities in common with him.

A similar claim is the Buddhist “law of attraction” - that like attracts like. Likewise wrong. People attract different things and for different reasons. Sometimes they attract people who are like themselves; sometimes they attract people who are not like themselves at all. The same person can attract terrible people and wonderful people within less than a month of one another. This would not be the case if the like attracts the like.

I have attracted both positive and negative attention from many people. Some of these people were like one another, and some were not. I have attracted the positive attention of a number of wonderful people. I have attracted the negative attention of a number of other people. I do not see much of a common thread that runs through both. Even among the people who hated me I have ended up seeing good traits. However they were in no way like the women whom I have loved.

Certainly there are times when people hate others for traits in themselves that they reject. But they may also hate others for traits that they have that they do not have at all. Jeannie is in no way like that woman. She is kind, ethical and compassionate. She had every right to dislike the woman who played her father for a fool, and it had nothing to do with her own traits. She never played anyone for a fool, and she never took advantage of anyone.

So it is important that this be clarified. Once again, sometimes people hate others for traits that they reject in themselves; sometimes they hate other for traits that they do not have at all. It is not about self-reflection or anything of the sort. It is about what you value as opposed to what you do not value. And this is the case, once again, whether or not you have the same traits yourself.